I literally spent half of my gym time today trying to find a happy medium between my pants falling off my hips and my ass eating my underwear. I’d pull my pants up, my unders would start flossing my butt cheeks. I’d dig the wedge out, my pants would start falling down. Add in that we were doing a lower body workout today and I was doomed to either look like I had crapped my pants or be continuously sticking my hand in my crack to fish out fabric. There was no happy place.

After I left the gym, I started chatting with friends to get their opinions (because that’s what women do). The suggestions I got made me realize I have some really fucking weird friends.

• Workout commando style.

What!? Let’s forget the fact that if I’m doing squats, the leggings I wear might be stretched beyond what is appropriate for my particular body type and end up showing my lady bits to the entire gym. (I mean, that’s assuming anyone is looking, but let’s face it, it’s like eating a banana…NO EYE CONTACT! Unfortunately, my eyes are not on my butt.) When people exercise, they get sweaty. In all places. And, when things are hot and wet, that’s a perfect breeding ground for yeast. But, here’s the really great thing about most underwear that is made of cotton : it’s somewhat absorbent. I can only imagine that without that absorbency I would end up with something clinically referred to as “swamp crotch”.

• Wear a thong.

This suggestion actually had more momentum for me than the previous. At least I’m still wearing underwear in this one. It doesn’t really do anything for showing my butt to the masses if the leggings stretch, but it does provide for less swampiness. Unfortunately, the entire reason I had an issue with the underwear in the first place is because it was trying to migrate up. This, I suppose, would just put it there to start with but that would mean I have to get used to the feeling. And I don’t like that feeling.

• Don’t do squats. Or bend. Or move at all. Ever.

Not an option. Next.

• Wear boyshorts style underwear.

Ding ding ding!! I think we may have a winner. Luckily, since I’m addicted to buying underwear (shut up, at least they’re useful unlike plates or collectible spoons) I have a few pairs of these in a drawer at home. These will definitely be gracing my hiney tomorrow for my next workout. I may even do a couple of squats to make sure they’re going to stay where I tell them to or if they’ll be as bad as a toddler when following directions.