Tag Archives: squats

Houston, we have a problem.

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In an effort to try eating healthier, I started doing the keto diet. Unfortunately, I also have a sweet tooth. So, what do you do when you want something sweet but don’t want the carbs? Foods with sugar alcohols, of course. Now, we all know what this does. I accounted for this. I’ve taken very good care to make sure that I don’t eat too much and have to run to the bathroom every 15 minutes. I have also taken to chewing a lot of gum in order to try to curb the sweet tooth.

The other day as I’m in the middle of a squat with a Backstreet Boy in weight on me it hits. Mother. Of. God. I forgot to account for the sugar free gum. All of a sudden I have stomach cramping and the undeniable urge to poo that I know is not going to be solid. So now I have a dilemma. I have to tighten muscles to stand back up and put the weight back on the rack, but I also can’t stay where I am much longer because, well, CODE BROWN. All of this takes about 20 seconds while I’m still squatting and my personal trainer is starting to look at me questioningly. My stomach does that rumbly thing. Loudly. I mouth “help” and she grabs the bar. With panic in my eyes, I don’t even wait to see if she put the weight away before I start walking to the bathroom as quickly as I can without anything slipping out.

The world is ending in this moment and I’m just praying that I don’t shit myself before I can get my leggings down and am sitting on the toilet. After all, I was going straight home after this work out and I didn’t bring a change of clothes – I can’t very well get out to my car without pants on. By some stroke of fate or a small miracle, I make it. The noise – the sound – the relief! Blessedly, my trainer did not come looking for me. After about 20 minutes I feel OK enough to move from the toilet, but there’s no way I can face “L” again today…or do any more squats. I text her from the bathroom stall and then slip out quietly through the front door without making eye contact with anyone.

I haven’t chewed gum since…not sure I want to chance it.

It’s a constant battle

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I literally spent half of my gym time today trying to find a happy medium between my pants falling off my hips and my ass eating my underwear. I’d pull my pants up, my unders would start flossing my butt cheeks. I’d dig the wedge out, my pants would start falling down. Add in that we were doing a lower body workout today and I was doomed to either look like I had crapped my pants or be continuously sticking my hand in my crack to fish out fabric. There was no happy place.

After I left the gym, I started chatting with friends to get their opinions (because that’s what women do). The suggestions I got made me realize I have some really fucking weird friends.

  • Workout commando style.

What!? Let’s forget the fact that if I’m doing squats, the leggings I wear might be stretched beyond what is appropriate for my particular body type and end up showing my lady bits to the entire gym. (I mean, that’s assuming anyone is looking, but let’s face it, it’s like eating a banana…NO EYE CONTACT! Unfortunately, my eyes are not on my butt.) When people exercise, they get sweaty. In all places. And, when things are hot and wet, that’s a perfect breeding ground for yeast. But, here’s the really great thing about most underwear that is made of cotton : it’s somewhat absorbent. I can only imagine that without that absorbency I would end up with something clinically referred to as “swamp crotch”.

  • Wear a thong.

This suggestion actually had more momentum for me than the previous. At least I’m still wearing underwear in this one. It doesn’t really do anything for showing my butt to the masses if the leggings stretch, but it does provide for less swampiness. Unfortunately, the entire reason I had an issue with the underwear in the first place is because it was trying to migrate up. This, I suppose, would just put it there to start with but that would mean I have to get used to the feeling. And I don’t like that feeling.

  • Don’t do squats. Or bend. Or move at all. Ever.

Not an option. Next.

  • Wear boyshorts style underwear.

Ding ding ding!! I think we may have a winner. Luckily, since I’m addicted to buying underwear (shut up, at least they’re useful unlike plates or collectible spoons) I have a few pairs of these in a drawer at home. These will definitely be gracing my hiney tomorrow for my next workout. I may even do a couple of squats to make sure they’re going to stay where I tell them to or if they’ll be as bad as a toddler when following directions.