So, the other day my 12 1/2 year old son, who has all of the pre-teen angst and a shitty attitude, got detention. To say that he has a problem with authority would be an understatement. Now, most of that is because of stuff that happened when he was a kid, some of it is because of the ADHD and autism spectrum disorder, and some of it is simply because he’s a pre-teen boy who is also an occasional asshole. The principal called to let me know that he would need to spend an hour after school and I told her that was fine, but that I expected he’d probably head home instead. I assured her that were he to show up at the house (he walks or rides his bike home), I would bring him back so that he could serve time like the prepubescent gangster that he is. Lo and behold, about 20 minutes after school was over, in he strutted.

I got him back into the truck just by telling him we were going somewhere but not showing my hand just yet. Boy, when we pulled into his school, he dug his heels in and absolutely refused to get out of the car. There were still other students milling about and I let him know that I we could do this the easy way – he could get out of the truck and walk into the building on his own – or we could do it the hard way. I spelled it out. The hard way involved me yelling loudly in front of the other kids, then taking him out of the truck, putting him over my shoulders, and carrying him into the detention room. He moved on his own. Quickly.

Thank. Fucking. Goodness. There was no way I was going to be able to actually pick up this kid who is about the same height as me and weighs 115 pounds, sling him over my shoulder, and carry his butt from the parking lot to the detention room.

This week I added deadlifts and heavy squats to my fitness journey. May there never come a day where I have to actually have to pick up my little asshole of a child and carry him back into anywhere, but if it does happen, I’m going to be ready. You can’t out-gangster your mom, Son.